Children and Divorce: What Every Parent Needs To Know

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CHILDREN AND DIVORCE: WHAT EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO KNOW

Children and divorce are two words a parent never likes to use together, but when a couple�s marriage is no longer supported by the promise of integrity, emotional health and commitment, it is often that the conversation shifts to separation. For many couples with children, this can be a time of dread and sadness associated with the process of �telling the children.� In fact, children with divorced parents are rapidly becoming the norm, not the exception, as roughly half of all marriages end in divorce. It's odd then that we continue to stigmatize something that is so common.

As a couples therapist, many parents have asked me if they should stay together for the children, and my reply is always the same. Children know when their parents are in an unhappy marriage, because it usually shows in the form of arguments, abuse, etc. What do you think the outcome is for children raised in such negative environments? I rest my case.

Separation and divorce are adult terms for adult problems. Children do not have this perspective, and many will blame themselves if the adults do not explain the separation to them. Childhood is and should be a time of physical and psychological dependence and emotional support. Children conceptualize their parents as their primary resources for survival, nurturance, confidence building and forgiveness, thus must be assured during this stressful time that the things they are accustomed to, such as school and soccer practice, will continue as usual.

Children hold a powerless position when it comes to parental separation and divorce. Separation and divorce may be inevitable, but perhaps the following guidelines may help to lesson the burden for your children as they adapt to this chapter in their lives.

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Model Civility: Watch What You Say And Do

All divorce research supports the idea that the higher the level of parental reactivity children are facing, the greater their level of suffering. Suffering can take many forms. From the shape of the immediate embarrassment when witnessing parents arguing at the soccer field about who�s going to take them home to suffering academically, and emotionally when there is long-term parental hostility. Suffering caused by parental negativity creates a schism for children. It is often in these situations that children are forced to make a choice, one they would not be required to make if they were living within a healthy emotional system.

The best advice for parents is this: While it is stressful, try to accept and take care of yourself, your children and divorce as best you can.

Don't Drag Them Into Parental Issues

Avoid interrogating your child following visitation with his/her other parent. Allow them to share what parts of the visit they feel most comfortable sharing. Avoid placing your child in the role of �informant� or �messenger.� These roles are contradictory for the primary emotions of childhood - enthusiasm and curiosity. Allow your children to hold on to those magical emotions and develop into emotionally healthy adults.

Avoid disclosing information that would have been considered �private �during the course of your marriage. Children are often blindsided by careless comments regarding an affair or other adult issue that become part of casual conversations.

Model civility for your children. Walk away from being right, or having the last word all of the time. Supporting your children's resources (your former mother-in-law, etc.) is critical to your child�s need to feel the separation/divorce was not their fault and that they continue to have family members that care about them. Divorce is not caused by children and they need to feel protected and sheltered by the two people who loved them first.

Understand That Grieving Is A Process

A divorce is a loss that needs to be grieved and takes time to heal. Life changes for everyone involved, so it takes time for the family system to adjust and stabilize. Specifically, divorce is a form of loss called "ambiguous loss" which occurs when a person, in this case a parent, is physically absent but psychologically present. This type of loss is as real, and just as potentially painful, as any other loss.

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The Good News: Children Are Resilient

The bottom line is that even when a marriage is failing children can very resilient and show few ill effects if it is explained to them properly, they are assured that it is not their fault, assured that life will continue as usual, and they are not dragged into or witness parental squabbles. As a result, they can learn to accommodate to the losses associated with their parent�s frustrations, emotional or physical absence.