Dating Tips: Mastering The Art Of Small Talk

By Dr. Emily Kensington

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As a couples therapist and relationship expert, I'm frequently asked for dating tips, specifically about how to get over the awkward moments on a first date or when first meeting someone. They ask, “What can I say that won't make me look stupid?” “I freeze up and can't speak, Help!”

For most people, small talk is difficult to master, especially now that most of our communication is done via technology. Not to worry, I'll provide you with some helpful dating tips on how to master small talk.

First, small talk is a highly important and useful skill, and not just for dating. It's important to learn small talk because such communication is the essential gateway to all other kinds of discussions, including job interviews, important business meetings, getting the cable guy to hook you up with some free “extras”, etc. And yes, it's essential for successful dating.

Dating Tips: Small Talk Do's

- Proceed with a breezy inquiry pertaining to your immediate surroundings, and address your potential pick-up by name: "So, Dave, tell me, I'm hopeless at this: How do you know when a cantaloupe is ripe? (or when to call a timeout?) (or how much tequila to add to this drink?)"

- Continue to talk about the subject at hand, subtly folding in a comment regarding your dating status. Don't sound desperate or needy, rather mention it casually in passing.

- Perhaps one of the most important dating tips regarding small talk is to listen more than you speak. If you ask a question, let him finish answering before you jump in with a comment or another question. Try nodding and cocking your head to one side as he speaks to indicate you are listening intently.

- Mirror his posture and gestures. This shows interest.

- Smile and keep the tone light by avoiding serious or controversial topics, such as politics, illness, death, war, or terrorism.

Dating Tips: Small Talk Don'ts

- Teasing is fun and flirtatious, but do it lightly—you never know what people take personally, especially if they don't know you enough to know that you're kidding.

- Never tease people about their appearance, specifically about hair loss, size, or anything else over which they have little or no control.

- Don't be gross—save that hilarious anecdote about your friend with the explosive diarrhea until a much later date.

- Never compliment someone on a body part. It's creepy, and it's a conversation stopper.

The Skillful Save: What To Do When Things Do Not Go Well

- Realize that mistakes happen, and be able to find humor in such situations.

- Apologize sincerely. Not for your beliefs, but for any hurt feelings you might have caused. Say "I am so sorry if I've offended you." and try to move on.

- Backpedal and offer up some positive spin: "I have so much admiration for anyone who makes it in the movie industry. It's such a cutthroat field."

- Say something funny or self-deprecating to cut the tension: "I tried to make a movie once in high school, and the only ones who would watch it all the way through were my mother and my dog, but my dog used to sleep with her eyes open."

- Change the subject.

Dating Tips: The Tactful Retreat

Pretend that you've just spotted someone over his shoulder. Give a little gasp and mutter an explanation that's so quick and complicated it's almost unintelligible such as, "Oh my gosh, is that Sue walking out the door? I haven't seen her in ages! I have to run!”

Pretend you received a cell phone message that calls you away. “My best friend is locked out and I have her keys.”

- It's immature, but you could always act weird so he leave you alone.

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