Divorce Advice

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Divorce Advice Part 1: Deciding Whether To Stay Or Go

As a couples therapist, I give lots of divorce advice, mostly helping clients who are struggling with the difficult question of whether or not to get a divorce.

By the time clients come to me, they are usually worn out from frustration.

In fact, studies indicate that the stress that results from remaining in unhappy relationships often manifests in negative physical symptoms such as ulcers, headaches, and hypertension! How, you ask, can true love go so wrong?

What most folks fail to realize is that ALL relationships eventually end. Yup, you heard me. Even if you are lucky enough to enjoy a healthy lifelong commitment with someone special, one of you will eventually pass away first. That is rare however, and a more common reason relationships end is because people simply change. The person who was a good match for you at age 21 will often not be a great match at age 30. This is why, for example, marriage prior to the age of 30 has a higher divorce rate compared to folks who marry later in life. The reason is obvious; You are likely a different person at age 30, with different goals and needs, compared to age 21. People in their 20's are still developing, therefore dedicating the rest of your natural life to someone is likely to fail from a simple developmental psychology perspective.

People remain in marriages for many reasons, and although they are unhappy, many stay simply because they've dedicated their best years to the relationship and they don't know how to start over. People are generally afraid of being alone, so they continue with an unstable, unhealthy relationship in spite of the stagnation. They do nothing to rekindle the relationship yet do not break if off completely because they are afraid of loss and the unknown. In short, they settle, and such scenarios seem like a clear recipe to remain unhappy. I don't agree with settling, because life is simply too short to remain unhappy.

Should You Stay For The Children?

Trust me, children are very perceptive and know that their parents are involved in an unhappy marriage, so don't settle for their sake. You are not doing them any favors

For couples in distress, I often ask them to name the things you love about your significant other. Can you vocalize why you are with your partner? Are there any qualities you can fall back on to help rekindle your union?

The fact is that if you're asking if you should stay or go means that you seek changes in your relationship because you are not satisfied. Therefore, you should be asking yourself what you require to make you happy and make those issues known to your partner. Also, you need to be honest about what you are looking for in your significant other. If you have a casual attitude toward things like marriage and religion, it is unwise to partner with someone who holds firm beliefs regarding those topics.

RESPECT DIFFERENCES, BUT DO NOT COMPROMISE

You might fall for someone who has extremely different views from the ones that you hold dear. In the beginning, you might be attracted to this phenomenon but over time you might discover that the debates arguments about your convictions that were earlier stimulating are now becoming the bane of your existence.

Any relationship, to be successful, needs to remain blossoming. It should be flowing like a river, not become disheartening and full of obstacles. In fact, it needs to find its way out of any dead end it reaches. Think of a river, always purposeful, always moving.

Divorce Advice Part 2: How To Heal and Move On

Common reactions to divorce or break ups are not just emotional, they are often physical and behavioral. For example, many folks report feeling anxious, like they have been socked in the gut or chest while the butterflies in their stomach affect their eating and sleeping habits. Sound familiar? Relax, this is a normal reaction.

Other times, clients report feeling mostly "numb" until the larger implications of the break up or divorce finally hits them. Everyone's individual reaction is different however, but one thing remains true: Heartbreak is very real and very painful, and techniques for getting over a divorce are similar to those found in grief therapy.

There is goods news however! While coping with a divorce can feel hopeless or overwhelming, remember that time is a great healer. And always keep this in mind: Your problems and feeling are temporary, and you are bigger than both of them. So hang in there, because the longer you hang on means you are one day closer to feeling better.

That said, here are some steps you can take to begin the healing process.

DIVORCE ADVICE: RECOGNIZE YOUR FEELINGS

A common response to negative events is numbness, but underneath that numbness are often feelings of hurt, anger, inadequacy, fear of the unknown, and loneliness. Honoring those feelings is an essential part of the healing process.

Try exploring your feelings by keeping a journal of your thoughts and emotions. I also encourage my clients to write letters. For example, compose a note to your ex exploring what you are, or aren't, going to miss about your partner. What are you angry about? What are you sad about? What do you fear this break up means? What was your part in the break up? What are some things about your ex that you'll forever appreciate or remember? It's cathartic to get things off your chest. Whether you mail it or not doesn't matter, recognizing your emotions is most important. And in the future, when you're in a healthier place, you can look back on it and have a chuckle.

DIVORCE ADVICE: COMBAT NEGATIVE THINKING

It's not unusual to have thoughts such as "I will never date again." However, when having these negative thoughts, it's useful to ask yourself rational questions in response such as: What is the effect of believing this thought? What are the disadvantages of this thought? Is there is an alternative explanation to this thought? What would I tell a friend who is in a similar situation?

Using the example of "I will never date again," the effects of believing this thought are easy: You'll forever be alone, you'll remain unhappy, and create a self-perpetuating cycle of negativity. In short, you'll assure your own misery. An alternative explanation may be "I feel bad right now, which is understandable, but I won't feel like this forever and who knows what the future holds?"

DIVORCE ADVICE: MAKE A LIST

Another technique I recommend is having clients take a few minutes to write a list of all the positive qualities they offer. This helps them see that they have lots to offer future partners. What about you makes you feel proud? What would your family and friends say they like or love about you? (You may even ask your friends and family to assist you.) What are your achievements? Who in your life do you know loves you?

DIVORCE ADVICE: RID YOUR ENVIRONMENT OF REMINDERS OF YOUR EX OR "OLD LIFE"

DIVORCE ADVICE: DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF

DIVORCE ADVICE: LEARN YOUR MOTIVATION FOR ENGAGING IN RELATIONSHIPS

Be honest! Which of your needs was getting fulfilled by your relationship? Fear of being alone? Financial security? Did you simply stay for the sake of the children? What was the real reason you broke up? Often, it's because as a coupe you were either not compatible (didn't have the same needs, goals, world views, etc) or communication was poor. Therefore, to help ensure the chances of finding healthy relationships in the future, it is vital to learn from your past.

DIVORCE ADVICE: MOVING FORWARD

At some point, most folks become fed up with feeling bad, and begin moving on. In fact, studies show that these emotional rebounds can be very liberating and empowering.

My most important divorce advice is this: The past does not have to determine the future, and if you�ve loved deeply once then you are capable of experiencing it again. In fact, if you take the time to heal you will come out of the relationship MORE experienced and even MORE able to engage in loving relationships!

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