Extramarital Affairs: What Causes Them And How To Recover From Them

By Dr. Emily Kensington

"Learn How To Recover From Extramarital Affairs"

As someone who makes a living by helping couples recover from extramarital affairs, I know that adultery is widespread in our culture. The research indicates that 40-65% of men and 15-20% of women have extramarital affairs. Affairs occur in both good and bad relationships and can be devastating to the faithful partner.

CAUSES

The reality is that infidelity is almost always a symptom of internal conflict within the cheating spouse which often has little to with non-cheating partner. In fact, in my experience cheating partners are most often attempting to fulfill unmet needs, but in the process end up running away from themselves.

The reality is that infidelity is almost always a symptom of internal conflict within the cheating spouse which has little to with non-cheating partner. In fact, my experience as a couples and marriage therapist indicates that cheating partners are most often running away from themselves.

Sadly, while the cheating partner may appear to be enjoying himself, by not facing his problems he is condemning himself to repeating them. In short, he's emotionally stuck. How do I know this? They tell me!

Take the following and most common example: The husband didn't wake up one morning and suddenly choose to commit adultery. Relationships have a life cycle, and affairs often occur during the "work" phase of the relationship.

Once a couple is married and have children they are under increased financial stress and have far less leisure time. In other words, they have no fun. Complicating matters is that men and women tend to have different needs based on continually reinforced gender role socialization.

Women are raised to value relationships, therefore they often want affection, conversation, openness/honesty, financial support, and family commitment, while male worth is based on production. Men usually require sex, a recreational companion, an attractive spouse, peace and quiet after a hard days work, and admiration.

This conflict is classic. Women not only have to work, but tend to do a large majority of the housework and childcare, and are more prone to depression and anxiety due to the increased stress. Men, on the other hand, are taught that their primary role is production, not family, so they work hard to keep the family afloat and want to relax when they get home.

Unfortunately, childcare and household responsibilities are constant, and wives often need help. As such, he often labels her a "nag." In addition, couples with fewer financial and social resources are more prone to such stress.

As a result, disagreements become arguments and grow more intense over time. When needs aren't met, partners are more vulnerable to affairs and the sympathetic ear of a friend or helpful co-worker is ALWAYS more appealing than discussing chores, mortgages and college funds.

Therefore, husbands often take the path of least resistance, and second marriages for men typically involve marrying a younger woman. However, when he settles down with the second wife and enters the "work" stage of the marriage he often begins to feel similarly negative about his new relationship because he has not learned about relationship life cycles and negotiating his own needs.

AN INTERESTING TRUTH REVEALED

Here is an insider secret from a long-time couples therapist: The faithful spouse and the new mistress or partner are often very similar! How do I know? I meet them!

Indeed, they often have similar personality traits and even look alike! This comes as no surprise, however, as people tend to repeat relationship patterns. So if people tend to cheat on their partner with someone who is very similar, is there a way to break this negative cycle? Yes!

HOW TO RECOVER FROM AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR

Vital Question: What Is The Meaning of The Affair?

This is a difficult, but necessary, question to answer. What need or needs did the cheating partner get fulfilled by having an extramarital affair? Sometimes it's merely sexual, but it is often more complex and due to deeper unresolved needs.

This is not meant to blame the victim, because the cheating spouse should, initially, come under the most scrutiny. Initially I allow the faithful partner to voice their righteous pain in order to begin healing. However, if the blame game lasts for more than a month or two, therapy becomes highly counterproductive and the relationship becomes stuck.

However, once the faithful partner has recovered from the shock and loss of the affair, I encourage the couple to explore the meaning of their behavior, and how both sides have contributed to the "shared story" of their relationship.

How that story ends, of course, is up to them as both partner must take responsibility for the relationship. First, both partners must want to remain in the relationship. When both partner attend therapy, it is often a positive sign that they want to work on the relationship or else they would not bother sitting in my office.

Then, realistic expectations must be clarified. Therapy alone is not a guarantee of success; a healthy, long-term relationship takes work! It always amazes me that we as a culture we tend to believe that success in school, workplace, and sports takes hard work, but that love and relationships should somehow magically "work."

WORKING TOWARD HEALING

Extramarital affairs can be overcome, and therapists can aid immensely by helping a couple explore the meaning of their relationship via a number of techniques: enhancing communication skills, self-awareness, and providing a safe, non-judgemental environment for healing and exploration.

This is not always easy, because as children we were never taught these vital skills and many of us do not even possess the proper language to express our complex emotions.

The good news is that healthy relationship skills can be learned, and once these skills are practiced and mastered not only is one more self-aware and less likely to engage in extramarital affairs, but can learn to develop healthy, long-term relationships.

ACTION FOR THE DAY: Negotiate Your Needs!

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