Love Compatibility

"The Ultimate Love Compatibility Test!"
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How does a couple determine their overall love compatibility? As a couples therapist, I'm often asked this question. Much to the dismay of hardcore romantics who think that love magically "works,", my answer is different and based on years of clinical experience.

Let's take a look at some simple questions anyone can utilize in order to ascertain their overall love compatibility with respect to their current relationship.

Availability

Is your partner available? If you are drawn to someone who is either married or recently separated, trouble often abounds. Both individuals in this situation are often much better off engaging in some simple introspection in order to determine what each party is getting out of the arrangement, and if it's ultimately healthy for all parties involved. Ask yourself why this recently separated or divorced person is already in another relationship. It could be a simple matter of timing, but more often than not, something deeper is indicated.

Also, have they cut all or most ties with their ex while dating you? Oh sure, they'll often tell you tales of woe about their miserable, soon-to-be ex-spouse, but all too often your feelings will get hurt when they do not end their relationship with their ex. I've seen it a million times in my private practice, so one of best ways to determine love compatibility is this: Unless they are free, flee.

Maturity

Are they mature? If you feel like they are selling a product, don't buy. Look for someone who is reasonably confident in their self-worth, as evidenced by them admitting their flaws, instead of endlessly telling you about how big their job, house, car, or bank account is. If they are talking about how they are going to take care of "poor little you", that is a sign that they are attracted to you because of your perceived weakness. Once you grow up, you will grow out of them.

What Do You Love About Your Partner?

What qualities attract you to your partner? Responses such as "She's pretty" or "He's wealthy" indicate surface attraction, and love compatibility is never based in surface attraction. Also, when people are unsure of the answer to this question, and respond that "the chemistry is right," I get an eerie feeling.

Often, if someone felt unloved by a parent, they subconsciously are attracted to someone who has a similar personality, the hidden hope being that if you can get this person to love you in the present, maybe you could have gotten your parent to love you in the past. This often explains why someone puts up with abusive behavior, long after family and friends have advised them to "dump" an unhealthy partner. My relationship advice to people in this situation is to take a step back and recognize how the past is affecting their current relationship.

Sex

Will they wait? Very often, teenagers and adults feel pressured to have sex. Feeling pressure to engage in an act for which one feels unready or unprepared can create enormous anxiety. Why sell yourself out? The fact is that if someone is mature and truly loves you, they will wait, realizing that to physically "make love" to someone before you are psychologically "in love" is irrational. By definition, any sexual coercion is an indicator of an unhealthy relationship and potential risk factor for problems such as intimate partner violence, STD's, etc.

How Do You Feel About Yourself?

Your most important relationship is with yourself: Do You Love Yourself? To plunge into a relationship too early and too deep is an indication that you may be insecure. In fact, I've seen unmarried clients who haven't been single for decades; they simply jump from encounter to the next and can't fathom the notion of spending quality time with themselves. My best relationship advice for these folks is to abstain from relationships for a while until they properly address their own issues.

Fact: Your relationship will be healthier if you don't let it define you.

Remember, generally speaking, the longer relationships take to come together, the longer they take to fall apart. This is one reason, for example, that one night stands generally do not last. Therefore, go slow for a relationship that will last. You deserve it!

Action For The Day: Try using these questions as guidelines to assess your ultimate love compatibility. Don't beat yourself up if your answers to the above questions are negative. Rather, use it as opportunity for growth and move forward!