Marriage Jokes

"These Marriage Jokes Rule!"

MARRIAGE JOKES:

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know . . . I would have gotten out today."

MARRIAGE JOKES:

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORE MARRIAGE JOKES:

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other woman replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S.A., the rest cheat in Canada.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is FINISHED.

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she!

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