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Parenting Advice Feature Article: Children And Grief

by Dr. Emily Kensington

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As a family therapist, I often work with grieving children and offer parenting advice to families dealing with loss. Here is quick and helpful guide to how children grieve by developmental age.

Developmental age is key to understanding and treating their response to loss. The good news is that children are more resilient than we think.

Infancy - Age 2

This group generally does not comprehend the meaning of death, but infants do experience an awareness of loss and separation. They are not immune; infants react to the emotional state of adults in their environment and to any disruptions in their schedule.

Babies can search for the deceased and experience separation anxiety. Common reactions include: protesting, changing sleep patterns, decreased activity and weight loss.

Preschool (Age 2-4)

Death is typically seen as temporary and reversible. Preschoolers usually do not visualize death as separate from life and don't see death as something that happens to them. To illustrate this, typical comments include: "When will my mommy be home?" "How does (the deceased) eat or breathe?"

Emotional responses are usually brief but intense, as children this age tend to be oriented to the present. Preschoolers are often concerned about altered patterns of care or about the emotional reactions of adults in their lives. Typical responses include: confusion, disturbing dreams and regressive behaviors such as bedwetting.

Early Childhood (Age 4-7)

This group sees death as reversible. Children sometimes feel responsible for the death because of thoughts or feelings that they've had about the deceased. This is referred to as "magical thinking" and is evident in statements such as "It's my fault. I was mad at her, and I wished she'd die."

Questions regarding death is typical of this age group, such as "How?" and "Why?" They may even play act the death or the funeral as an attempt to exercise their grief. Sometimes they behave as if nothing happened. Typical responses include: anger, sadness, confusion, difficulty eating, sleeping or regressive behaviors such as bedwetting.

Middle Years (Age 7-11)

This is beginning to see death as final, though they wish it wasn't and they still don't think of death as something that can happen to them or their family members. They may even believe that they can escape from death through their own efforts.

Also, they may view death as a form of punishment. This group may develop fears of bodily harm, mutilation, or fear that other loved ones will die.

This age group often wants to know specific details about the death, and they may display anger, sadness and have trouble progressing in school. Typical responses for this age group include: shock, denial, sadness and regression.

Parenting Advice: General Grief Reactions In Children

As part of my child bereavement program, I offer parenting advice regarding general grief reactions in children.

They include:

Physical Symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches, fatigue, change in eating habits, lack of concentration.

Emotional Shock

Denial

Curiosity: May want to know the facts about the death (why, when, how, where, etc.)

Sadness: Expressed verbally, through tears, or withdrawal. The child may feel lonely.

Anger: May feel that he or she has been "left alone." Anger can be directed at the one who died, the treating doctor, playmates, family members, God, etc. Acting-Out Behavior: May reflect internal feelings of anger at the death, frustration at not knowing what to do about their overwhelming feelings and helplessness.

Regressive Behaviors: Needing to be held or rocked, difficulty separating from significant others, wanting to sleep in parent's bed, difficulty with developmentally appropriate tasks, bedwetting, thumb sucking.

Fear: May be afraid of becoming ill, dying, darkness, or separation from a loved one.

Guilt: The child feels responsible, thinks they said or did something "bad."

When All Else Fails

If your child is still having a hard time, despite your best efforts, it's time to get further assistance. Get this free Parenting advice for any situation from a Parenting Expert that will help your child and your family get back on track.