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Parenting Advice Featured Article

Disciplining Teenagers: What Every Parent Needs To Know

by Dr. Emily Kensington

"Essential Reading For Every Parent!"

As a family therapist, I often get asked for parenting advice, particularly in the area of handling teenagers.

Loving discipline from caregivers is essential in order to guide their teenagers toward healthy maturity. This article will address several common parental pitfalls with respect to discipline, along with suggestions that help enable parents to successfully integrate loving and healthy boundaries.

PARENTING ADVICE TIP: BE ON THE SAME PAGE

In two-parent families, it is vital that both parents are “on the same page” with regard to discipline. Nothing undermines discipline more than having children see their parents arguing over how to handle rules and limit-setting. Teenagers experience disagreeing parents as a ripe opportunity to “divide and conquer.”

Therefore, it is vital that parents work out differences of opinion away from their teenagers, and afterward they can present a “united-front."

EXAMPLE DIALOG:

"Your father and I agree that you may not drive the car this week since you ignored your curfew last evening,” Or, “Your mother and I are dissatisfied that you are not following through on your designated chores. And so, during the next three weeks we will make sure that they’re completed before we allow you to go out with your friends.

PARENTING ADVICE TIP: OWN YOUR MISTAKES

When introducing new rules to address pre-existing problems, it is helpful and effective for parents to acknowledge their own participation in the situation that created or perpetuated the problem. This mature approach allows our teens to feel less criticized and blamed as the sole cause of the negative situation often increases a teenager's receptivity to change.

Avoid saying, for example, “You never help with chores. Your mother and I do everything while you simply play video games. From now on, you'll have to do some chores.

A far more effective approach is this: “Up until this point, your mother and I have neglected discussing your involvement in household responsibilities, so we pretty much did it all ourselves. But we are realizing that this situation is neither good for us, nor good for you. We need a bit of help and feedback from you because we feel it’s important for you to take some responsibility around the house."

PARENTING ADVICE TIP: GIVE TEENS A CHOICE

Whenever possible, offer choices. It gives parents control, and for teens it helps make undesirable events more tolerable.Teens are in the process of pulling away and individuating on their journey into adulthood, so offering them partial ownership of a situation satisfies their developmental drive to seek more initiative and control over their day-to-day lives.

EXAMPLES:

“Here is a list for you to choose two chores from. If you have any other ideas for chores, we’ll be happy to consider those instead.”

“In light of your recent failure to hand in homework, we’re going to ask you to show us your completed homework each night for the next three weeks. If this request seems overly intrusive, we invite you to share other suggestions on how your father and I can ensure that your homework will get done. We’ll be happy to consider them.”

PARENTING ADVICE: SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Some parents avoid discipline because they are attempting to be friends with their teens. However, the truth is you can enjoy your relationship with your teen while setting boundaries.

Not only will they respect you more, but they have healthier outcomes as adults. Parents who set disciplinary boundaries demonstrate caring that is ultimately appreciated by their children.

PARENTING ADVICE: COMMON PITFALLS

These common pitfalls virtually guarantee that teens will “tune out” their parents, so avoid them at all costs.

LECTURING

Teens hate lecturing! And so do you! Lecturing puts people in a “one-down” position which they will usually resist or resent. Therefore, if your teen does something wrong, put less emphasis on being "right" and focus on what you expect from them in the future.

If you remain calm and discuss things with love, your teen will start to see things your way.

EXAMPLE:

“You had agreed to take more responsibility for completing your homework. Since it appears that you haven’t followed through, your father and I insist that we spend at least one half hour each night checking your completed assignments for the next three weeks. At that point, we will talk again about giving you another opportunity to more independently assume responsibility for your homework completion.”

PARENTING ADVICE: MODEL GOOD BEHAVIOR FOR YOUR TEEN

Parents should model the behaviors they require of their teens. Practice what you preach, because teens can easily spot double standards, you'll credibility.

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ON DISCIPLING TEENS: CONCLUSION

Remember that change takes practice and time. Before long however, you'll begin to notice that your relationship with your teen has become smoother you'll witness your children exhibit increased maturity and grace.

When All Else Fails

If your child is still having a hard time, despite your best efforts, it's time to get further assistance. Get this free Parenting advice for any situation from a Parenting Expert that will help your child and your family get back on track.