Relationship Advice Featured Article:

Arguing Over Money: The Number One Problem Couples Face

"This Relationship Advice Saved My Marriage!"

As a couples therapist, I often give relationship advice to couples who are arguing over money. According to University of Denver study, couples argue over money more than any other issue. Money means different things to different people: Power, self-esteem, competence, acknowledgement, security, love, commitment, protection, control, independence, love, etc. In other words, money is a metaphor for emotional needs, which makes it far more powerful than most people realize, and when couples are fighting over money they are usually really fighting over issues of power, trust, priorities and commitment.

No matter how much or how little you have, what matters most is its meaning. It's easier to fight about money than to discuss how we don't feel loved or acknowledged; or how we feel powerless, incompetent or insecure in our relationship. For example, women who temporarily stop working to have children can lose a sense of personal power and resent feeling dependent, especially if they were previously financially independent. Men, on the other hand, often feel the increasing financial pressure to provide for their families during tough economic times.

MONEY AND THE LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS:

Dating

Money affects every stage of a relationship. The financial symbol for seriously dating is a credit card. Couples rarely talk about their credit card use or debt at this stage of their relationship because it violates our cultural taboo of discussing money. However, if you are considering a long term commitment, this is an important discussion. Questions to consider: What does debt mean to your partner? (One's feelings about debt are really about boundaries, or lack thereof!) How did their family consider or handle debt? What is your partner's view of credit cards? How many credit cards does your partner own? Do they pay the minimum or pay it off?

Engagement

The financial symbol for engagement is a ring. What does the ring mean to each partner? Is price important? Does an expensive ring mean more love and commitment? Should it be financed? Should this be a joint decision ? Will you wear a family ring, and what does that mean to each partner?

Weddings

The financial symbol for marriage is the wedding. Who will pay for it? How much will it cost? Will both sets of parents participate financially, and with how much control? How much can the couple afford on their own? This often brings up the issue of differentiation as the couples attempts to separate from their parents, as financial independence of each partner is an essential part of a healthy, long-term relationship. Loyalty issues are very common at this stage as each partner attempts to appease competing interests.

Managing Finances

The financial symbol for the early stage of marriage is the checkbook. Questions abound regarding how to manage finances. Joint of separate accounts? How much privacy should each person have with respect to saving and spending? Family of origin influence on each partner becomes more explicit in this stage and the relationship will be in for a rough journey if financial discussions are not frequent, focused, and respectful during this time. Conversations around conflictual subjects only become more difficult if the couple has not developed skills to communicate, problem solve and negotiate together, before moving on to the family with children stages.

WARNING:

I'm always concerned when a partner controls money in an attempt to increase another's dependence and restrict another's freedom. To me, this is an indicator of an unhealthy relationship and a frequently used method of abusive partners.

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: ACTION FOR THE DAY

Think about what money means to you, then talk to your partner about their thoughts, feelings and behavior regarding money. Discuss what money meant to them growing up in their families and how their parents discussed and managed money. Discuss the impact of their earlier financial history and experiences on their current relationship. Understand that money secrets are harmful to a healthy long-term relationship. Next, negotiate a mutually agreed upon money management plan that treats both partners respectfully. Such relationship advice is not always easy to implement, but I can tell you couples feel much closer and more intimate when they can discuss and negotiate difficult subjects. And those couples are truly wealthy!