Relationship Advice: Two Questions That Will Help Your Relationship

By Dr. Emily Kensington

"Get The Best Relationship Advice!"

In my career as a couples therapist, much of the relationship advice I give comes in the form of enhancing communication between stuck couple. For example, it is very common to attribute blame and responsibility for the difficulty in the relationship to a partner/spouse. I'd be rich if I had a nickel for every time I've heard "It’s all your fault!”, “These are all the things you do wrong...” or "I wouldn’t act this way if you didn’t do X...,”

These are all common aspects of couples’ communication, but unfortunately such attribution and rationalization greatly contributes to poor communication and especially undermines healthy process between two equal partners, since it positions one as the “victim.”

It is vital to understand, however, that people, at least partially, are creators - not victims - of the dynamics they experience. We all play a role in the drama of our life and relationship, therefore reflection and self-responsibility are the essential tools that are necessary for positive change in relationships. It's the only way for couples to become "unstuck."

It is not easy though. For example, it is difficult, essential, to investigate why a spouse stays with an addicted or abusive partner. Sure, the addicted partner's behavior is mostly the issue, but what part did the non-addicted spouse play? Did they enable, enjoy the control, or derive some other secondary gain from being with someone suffering from an addiction?

This is the part where most people stumble and where a therapist can help by asking important questions in a safe setting where couples come to explore themselves, each other, and their relationship.

There are things you can do yourself, however, and you can begin today. There are two very straightforward questions you can ask yourself, and when answered sincerely they can move most relationship challenges toward healing and change.

TWO IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

First, ask yourself “What am I doing to contribute to the problem and how can I change my behavior?” When asked and answered by both partners, this always creates a new direction. Second, ask yourself “Is my current behavior creating closeness or distance in the relationship?” If the answer is distance, which is most often the case, you need to reevaluate the way you are relating and communicating with your partner.

Keep in mind that there is a difference between content and process. Content is the information you want to communicate to your partner. Process is how you go about communicating and relating.

If you're "stuck" in conflict or disagreement, try asking the two questions above, and continue to strive towards connection, closeness and intimacy in all of your interactions together.

It’s not easy, and it takes effort, insight, and self-restraint but it is important relationship advice that can positively change your life.

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