Relationship Advice: Why People Cheat

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As someone who makes a living giving relationship advice, I know that adultery is widespread in our culture. The research indicates that 44% of men and 25% of women have extramarital affairs. Affairs occur in both good and bad relationships and can be devastating to the faithful partner.

Here are some explanations:

The reality is that infidelity is almost always a symptom of internal conflict within the cheating spouse which has little to with non-cheating partner. In fact, my experience as a couples and marriage therapist indicates that cheating partners are most often running away from themselves.

Sadly, while the cheating partner may appear to be enjoying himself, by not facing his problems he is condemning himself to repeating them. In short, he's emotionally stuck. How do I know this? They tell me!

Take the following and most common example: The husband didn't wake up one morning and suddenly choose to commit adultery. Relationships have a life cycle, and affairs often occur during the "work" phase of the relationship. Once a couple is married and have children they are under increased financial stress and have far less leisure time. In other words, they have no fun. Complicating matters is that men and women tend to have different needs based on continually reinforced gender role socialization. Women are raised to value relationships, therefore they often want affection, conversation, openness/honesty, financial support, and family commitment, while male worth is based on production. Men usually require sex, a recreational companion, an attractive spouse, peace and quiet after a hard days work, and admiration.

This conflict is classic. Women not only have to work, but tend to do a large majority of the housework and childcare, and are more prone to depression and anxiety due to the increased stress. Men, on the other hand, are taught that their primary role is production, not family, so they work hard to keep the family afloat and want to relax when they get home. The problem is childcare and household responsibilities are constant, and the wife needs help. As such, he often labels her a "nag." In addition, couples with fewer financial and social resources are more prone to such stress.

As a result, disagreements become arguments and grow more intense over time. When needs aren't met, partners are more vulnerable to affairs and the sympathetic ear of a friend or helpful co-worker is ALWAYS more appealing than discussing chores, mortgages and college funds.

Therefore, husbands often take the path of least resistance, and second marriages for men typically involve marrying a younger woman. However, when he settles down with the second wife and enters the "work" stage of the marriage he often begins to feel similarly negative about his new relationship because he has not learned about relationship life cycles and negotiating his own needs.

Studies show that women, on the other hand, tend to re-marry someone older, more financially secure, and more emotionally available in an attempt to get their needs met.

Sadly, this is all avoidable is each each partner develops a deeper understanding of relationships and is willing to engage in a little introspection and truly understand their motivations for being in the relationship. Cheating is ALWAYS a symptom of other issues, and each partner must begin to acknowledge and work on the unresolved aspects that lead to cheating behavior in the first place.

Action For The Day: Negotiate Your Needs!